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[Justmarried]

My husband is the youth pastor and he has been on staff for two years. He is only 22 and I am 19. We were just married about 3 months ago. However, in the course of me making the transition from friend to youth pastor's wife a few of the students and a couple of the lady leaders in the church seem to try and bring me down. They come to me telling me that everything I do is wrong. (Which, when I prayed about it asking God to reveal what I was doing wrong, I had nothing but peace about everything I was doing). They talk about me disrespectfully to other girls and even email my husband bad-mouthing me. Until now, I have smiled sweetly forgiven them and continually ask God to give me the patience, however, each time they bring something up it seems to get harder. After Christmas we are taking our older youth on a ski trip and I am dreading it because of these girls. I don't want a few girls to ruin my joy and fullfillment of ministry nor my husband's and mine relationship. I am asking for some wisdom on how to earn the respect of a youth pastor's wife. Not to be treated like a queen, just to be respected and treated as though I am worth something. Because at this point I am not feeling as though I am. I have talked with my husband about it and he understands my feelings, but yet he doesn't have a heart that is as sensitive as mine so he doesn't fully understand. Please, someone give me advice so I can get back to being joyful doing the work for my Father that he has created me to do.

[Guest]

Sounds to me like clear cut case of JEALOUSY. Of course we know where that comes from....Satan! Doesn't make it any easier, but a little easier to understand maybe. I hate to say this, but "welcome to the ministry"..... that's how these things go. We were young too when we started in the ministry, and the girls all swooned over him, made me MAD! Although they didn't talk me down. One of the big problems I see here in your situation is that you are in the same church he pastored in before you were married. I cannot tell you to leave, that is totally up to God. But I would suggest that you and your new husband earnestly seek God to see where you are to be serving. If it's there, together you must also seek Him in how you can deal with this situation. My husband wanted to go back and pastor the church where we grew up, I knew it was a bad idea. Fourtanely we prayed earnestly and God showed us that was not the place to be. We just never would have had the respect there. It's hard for a young pastor and wife...people don't think you are "experienced" enough. And then when you get old, it's that you're too old and they want someone who can reach the young crowd. It's really hard to please people, and that's why we are to please God and not man. This probably hasn't helped you at all. I am sorry. For the ski trip, pray, pray, pray, God will protect His servants. Be their friend, and don't try to be overbearing at this point, remember, they have hired your husband as pastor, not you. I've called myself down on this a number of times, I'm no different than any other member of the church. By the way, congratulations on your marriage! Hope the ministry will be good to you!

[Corri]

I hope this helps you out. I've not been in that situation myself, but a good friend has. She went from youth, to sponsor, to wife! They never even dated, but he had dated a few other women in the church (bad idea). Anyway, there was much jealousy, and before it got the best of his ministry, the senior pastor stepped in and graciously encouraged those mothers to support the newly weds! He was a wise man to do this. I wonder if talking with the senior pastor's wife about this might help you out. You may find some gentle encouragement and more importantly, prayer support. Be careful not to whine, but to state your concern, ask for her advice (take it!), and her prayer support.
Now, not that it is of any help specifically, but I do know how you feel. It took a long time to gain the respect of the girls and their mothers when my hubby was a Uth pastor. Moreso for him, because (and this is silly) of his size. He is 6'3", and looks like a linebacker. Well, it took work, and just 'hangin out' with the kids for them to warm up to us and let us lead/teach them. My hubby is no longer in that position (had to work at that and a 'real paying' job...couldn't handle both! and soon we are on our way to another state to serve.), however, we attend the same church, and still have the respect. In fact, the families waited for our *active* approval before even warming up to the new Uth pastor and his wife. I felt so very badly for them for about 6 months, but working as a team, we made the transition. When I'm around the Uth, the girls still look to me for any approval, which I make sure is known. Who would do that at your church? how could you get to know her? would you feel "safe" doing that? I think you need to speak to the senior pastor's wife...she will be a lot of help to you, and will keep your confidence in this matter.
_________________
Because He lives,
so do I--
Corri

[jeff]

Hi Just Married!

What a delight to be a newly wed and to have a ministry to work at with your sweetheart. My sweetheart and I have worked with teens since the 1980's and have loved it. We've seen God do lots of things in the teens' lives. You may already know it, but you are working with a fantastic age. Kids under 24 are the most likely to trust Christ of all the population and many who will serve the Lord in full time work make a commitment in their early years. What a great opportunity you have before you.

With opportunity, you also have challenges. God is growing you to be the godly leader He has planned for you to be. You will learn so much as you follow the advice of godly women in your life and the advice posted here by other ministry wives has been good. Do you have any times when you can talk with or fellowship with youth leaders' wives in other churches/ministries that share your doctrinal position? Just the chance to talk things out and have someone share what she has learned can be so encouraging and challenging. Not one of us has the corner on the market in the situations you'll face, but God has been teaching all of us in many areas. Take every chance you can to talk with the godly women in your life.

You are in a big transition right now. At the young age of 19, you are still learning so much about yourself, your sweetheart, your ministry that God has placed before you. That isn't bad. I am still learning in all those areas after these many years in our marriage and ministry. Throughout my learning process, the Lord has been teaching me to keep my focus on Him and to check my own heart as I deal with difficult issues. The other comments in these previous posts about a possibility of jealousy may be very accurate but since you can't change others, you need to set your eyes on Jesus and be in the Word every day. Then, ask Him if there is anything in your heart that needs to change. He may reveal nothing. He may show you an area that if changed would produce more fruit. Whatever He does, you have the delight of a sweet fellowship with your Savior.

My husband and I have found over the years that it takes at least three years to start seeing the effects of your ministry come to pass. (That doesn't mean you won't see any changes in your teens until 2006.) As you are faithful and minister to those before you, there will be some fruit. God will build your ministry. Then there will be more fruit and as you continue in your faithfulness, you may have the pleasure of much fruit. You need to hang in there! And, if you think about who will be in your youth group in the next 2-3 years, those who see you as one of their peers will be gone. Perhaps this early stage of your ministry needs to be focused on your younger teens and developing a relationship with them. Be faithful in your walk with the Lord before them. Watch your attitudes and reactions. Ask the Lord to guide you, to protect you and to toughen your skin if there are any thin spots.

God has a very good plan for your life, just don't expect Him to hand it all to you at once. Allow Him to do His work and enjoy the results.

Many blessings to you, little sister.