www.creativeladiesministry.com

[TA]

My husband has been pastoring 14 years at the same church (our first and only). Two years ago a woman started coming who was separated from her husband (they had been married 5 months at the time). She and her husband got back together and he started coming to church with her. During the past two years they would separate and get back together 3 or 4 times. It was always his fault according to her and her fault according to him. Anyway, I began to have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach any time she is around. I felt it was the Lord warning me about something. (One evening another lady from the church told me that she felt the Lord was telling her to warn me of this lady. She didn't know why, but she felt I should be told to watch her.) She was always in my husband's face. Any time there would be prayer for someone, she was by my husband's side. He gets up early on Sunday mornings and goes to the church to study and pray (quiet time alone) before service. One morning he is there in his study praying and studying and she come walking in (they were separated again at this time) closing all the doors between the study and the sanctuary. At one of the ladies meetings we were all up front in prayer and the speaker was ministering to the ladies and she goes back into the sound booth where my husband was running the equipment, sits down beside him and slaps him on the leg. Everything went along smoothly with her and her husband for several months and now all of a sudden they separate again and her husband has now filed for divorce. I have no fear or suspicion of my husband ever being remotely interested in her, but I do know that satan places people in churches to destroy pastors and their reputations. I can hardly stand to shake this woman's hand, much less talk to her. I know this is wrong of me. I have prayed for her from day one. I have prayed for me from day one to not feel this way. Is it jealousy or what? My husband and I have been married for 28 years. How do you other pastor's wives deal with women who want to be around your husband? Help. I feel like I am such a bad person and it torments me all the time. I just cannot like this woman. Any time she asks to speak to my husband, he always tells her he will have to wait until I can be there and I always go with him. Please give me some answers. Thank you.

[BarbaraJean]

Hi TA,
I sympathize with you. You are absolutely right - the enemy will do whatever possible to destroy your husband's reputation! What could be more harmful to a church and community?

This is something that your husband is going to have to be very firm about. When it comes to something this serious, it's time to quit worrying about hurting her feelings or offending her.

You need to make sure that your husband knows that you trust him and that in discussing this situation with him in no way means that you think he is doing anything wrong.

It's always heartbreaking to lose somebody from your church but if she has an attraction for your husband then it is going to be very difficult for her to grow in the Lord in your church. How can she concentrate on the message when she's thinking inappropriately about the messenger?

We had a woman in our church who was very touchy with my husband. There really wasn't much that I could do about it. I mean how would it look if I reached out and slapped her hand when she's playing with his tie. It was his responsibility to step away from her. So what if it seems rude - that simply is not appropriate nor is slapping his leg!

I know that sound tough but a pastor's integrity is something that is so easily questioned. Even if he never does anything wrong his reputation can be ruined by people's perceptions. The Bible says that a good name is a great treasure and he needs to do whatever it takes to protect it.
_________________
God Is Good All The Time. . .
Barb

[Guest]

Amen Barb! You said all the right things. And TA, you are doing the right thing making sure he doesn't talk with her w/o you there. He will have to get firm with her though, as in the sound booth, of course you can't be there, you are where she should be - he is going to have to speak up and tell her. About the not liking her, well, it is hard to like someone when they are after something that belongs to you! She needs prayer, just as the enemy is trying to get at your family, he is also working on her. You must LOVE her even if you don't like her. I know that sounds funny, but she needs Christ as the center of her life just as we all do. Don't let the bitterness take root, we know what that leads to.
I've heard it said you can't be mad at someone you are praying for, and that's b/c you will look at them through His eyes....and when you do that, you will see her for the poor miserable, lonely, unloved person she is, and maybe come to a different understanding. Not trying to justify what she is doing by any means (I'm a p/w myself) but just remember that Satan is trying to get to her too.
Here's one for you to try and imagine:
Husband gets ordained into the ministry and a woman actually asks:
"So, how does it feel to sleep with your pastor?" Yeah! Shock
But remember, women fantasize about men like our husbands and as Barb said, we must always be aware..... for the enemy lurks about like a roaring lion waiting to devour.... He is out to ruin the family and the church and with a pastor it's like killing two birds with one stone.
Stay in the word and on your knees.

[TA]

Thank you both for your words of encouragement and wisdom. I really appreciate you both. You told me what I already knew. I have the most wonderful husband in the world. I am praying God will give her peace and restore her home. Thank you

[Prov31wannabe]

I had responded to this but then the site kicked me out and the reply was lost.
Now Barb and another sweet soul have said much of what I had said in my reply.
I'll emphasize again, your husband must continue to be very firm in not meeting with this woman alone. He should bluntly tell her that he is not comfortable with her behavior.

And your difficulty is understandable. You are human and someone you love is being threatened. It's hard keep from reacting.
There may be many reasons that she is attracted to your husband....but while she works out her own personal issues, your husband must protect his moral standing. As has been said, affirm your trust in him and follow his lead and pray pray pray!
_________________
Colossians 1:27 ...."Christ in you, the hope of glory."

[Corri]

I just want to say that because of this personality (it was to me that this happened, with the chair of the deacon board at our last church), my husband and I adopted my parents' policy....that is, we do not allow ourselves to be in a situation that the other would feel uncomfortable with. If he's called to the home of a woman, and her husband is not there, or she has none, I go too. It's hard, but we sometimes pile up all the kids and go as a family. This separates the ones who need from the 'chasers'. If he is alone in the church for any reason, he locks the door to the room he's in. We have had opportunity to stop behavior before it began, which "saves face" for all involved. He has told women "out of respect for my wife, I do not shut the door to my office. If you need to share something personal, you'll have to tell the both of us." Or "We will be over at _____time" then he explains our policy of not being alone with a person of the opposite gender. There is too much opportunity to stray, or encourage flirtations, which alone, seem innocent, but the woman you described is really needy right now, and is not thinking with a clear mind. Recently I had to explain our policy to a close friend who was going to come over with a laptop for me to have. He was going to come at a time when my hubby was not home, so I explained that I'd call him and have him run home so this man could come by. Plumbers, roofers, you name it, other than our family, this is it for us....
If your husband is not aware of this, and many men don't recognize it, make sure he knows. He might not realize what's happening...they just dont think the way we do. To her, he is the perfect man (yep, you got him!) , and she wonders how to achieve that in her husband/life. You might want to suggest a deep Bible study for her, such as BSF or Kay Arthur. Something where she will be taught by a *woman*, and realize that her spirituality does not rely on him. She is confused right now, and putting her hope in your husband, not in God.
So, as much as you can, try and have compassion on her. Make sure your husband sets clear bounderies with her--making absolutely sure she understands that *he* is not comfortable with her familairity--not you--she will take that on as a challange, and try even harder! He can scoot away, take her hand instead of hug (?), when she is too close, he can move slightly--towards you....She'll get the clue. And, pray, realizing that you are human, and to wish her away is not only not going to work, but if you don't follow this through, you'll have to go through it again.
_________________
Because He lives,
so do I--
Corri

[TA]

Thank you, Cori, for your insight. You are so right, both the husband and the wife have to guard themselves. Things are much better now. Since my first post, she has started dating another man who began coming to church with her. Her husband (ex) came to our home one day and visited with my husband for a long time and said she was trying to get him to come back to her. Well, this last week she called me over to the side and showed me her hand with an engagement ring. Her husband (ex) had asked her to marry him again and she said yes. Needless to say we were all very suprised since the new guy is still coming to our church. Quite a mess Now the husband is there, she is there and the new guy. I think she just needs someone to love her. My husband is wonderful. He does guard himself from these situations and we should all pray for our husbands daily that the enemy, satan, would not be able to harm them in any way. It is such a wicked world we live in and ministers are under a great attack in every area of their lives. God bless you and thank you.

[costacasa]

I have to agree with all the other advice given here. I hope this will help you.
At our church our Pastor has set a very strict standard to men/women meeting alone. Our Pastor will NOT at ANY TIME meet or talk to another women alone. If he is in his office he will leave the door open and the church sec. desk is right there. As for us and staff the same rules apply. Our Pastor has seen to many falling Pastor's who get caught up in the enemy's web . It only takes one lie to spilt a church. When satan attacks sometimes he goes to the head (Pastor) if he can tear him down well he has pretty much has won. So that is why it is very imortant that your husband make a statement now that he will not be alone with another women without someone else present. Then they should get the hint. Sound room, offices anywhere!! It only takes a minute for someone to say something happen that didn't. Now days we have alot of women that have been violated in sexually ways by someone and sometimes they tend to lie, and make up things in there minds that didn't really happen. It's just a really good rule of thumb to always have someone present... If women at our church needs help our Pastor will send them my way if I can't he of course will jump in but usually I am present or another staff member is present . I know it's hard for you, but continue to pray for her... Our God is a God of restoration!!! I hope I have helped you in some way!!!

[costacasa]

I have to agree with all the other advice given here. I hope this will help you.
At our church our Pastor has set a very strict standard to men/women meeting alone. Our Pastor will NOT at ANY TIME meet or talk to another women alone. If he is in his office he will leave the door open and the church sec. desk is right there. As for us and staff the same rules apply. Our Pastor has seen to many falling Pastor's who get caught up in the enemy's web . It only takes one lie to spilt a church. When satan attacks sometimes he goes to the head (Pastor) if he can tear him down well he has pretty much has won. So that is why it is very imortant that your husband make a statement now that he will not be alone with another women without someone else present. Then they should get the hint. Sound room, offices anywhere!! It only takes a minute for someone to say something happen that didn't. Now days we have alot of women that have been violated in sexually ways by someone and sometimes they tend to lie, and make up things in there minds that didn't really happen. It's just a really good rule of thumb to always have someone present... If women at our church needs help our Pastor will send them my way if I can't he of course will jump in but usually I am present or another staff member is present . I know it's hard for you, but continue to pray for her... Our God is a God of restoration!!! I hope I have helped you in some way!!!